AMAZING DISGRACE
As seen in all major newspapers, Business iNsider, the Wall Street Diary, and other financial newspapers:
A small but particularly scummy debt-collection agency was just purchased by what is obviously a fake shell company called Vialux. What's surprising and newsworthy about this is that the debt-collection agency was immediately shut down and all the debt forgiven. This is something of a happy ending - except, of course, where the scummy ex-owners of the debt collection companies got richer as a result.

COURT-SHIP
As seen on national television and major newspapers:
The lawsuit against Ronald Chump over copyright infringement on behalf of Daryl Dixon in regards to the Weeta-Dixon cereal of Chumps' imPort Cereal line, has been settled out of court this month. The settlement is reported to be half a million dollars accompanied by a cease and desist order on the production of the cereal.

A BIGLY RAGEQUIT
As seen on national television and TMI:
In response to Dixon's successful lawsuit, Ronald Chump has disavowed the "rigged judicial system" of the United States. Taking his remaining millions, probably not billions, he has sworn off social media and left this county for another. It is likely, if granted citizenship elsewhere, that he will then forgo his US citizenship permanently. Do not expect to see The Ronald around these parts.

((This wraps up the Chump arc, he will not be playable as an NPC henceforth!))

TWO OF A COIN'D
As seen in newspapers, fashionable magazines, and Rumblr posts:
On November 18, the citizens of Heropa and denizens of anywhere on the internet that posts memes and amusing pictures were treated to an unusual sight when they discovered that the World's Biggest Coin had been mysteriously transported from its home in the middle of nowhere, Pennsylvania, right to the heart of the city. Even more mysteriously: the coin had vanished the next day, only to be discovered right back where it came from. While conspiracy theories and wild mass guessing were just getting into full swing, one man stepped forward to claim sole responsibility, only to be greeted by a resounding: What.

Leonard Snart, self-proclaimed robber of ATMs, career criminal and (sort of) living legend, said that he has pulled the prank off without any accomplices, a feat that is especially puzzling since he has revealed that the only power he has is the power of puns. When asked why he did it, Snart said that he "just wanted some change", and explained the need to "coin a phrase". Given that authorities can neither figure out how any of this happened nor what kind of crime to classify temporary misplacement of a single coin - whatever the size - he has been released without any charges.

Since then he has been further questioned - mostly by the internet - and when asked how he pulled this off he cited "girl power" and also mentioned that it had been "super easy". Finally he made at least one concession, hinting that he might not have been entirely without help: "I may or may not have had the help of illegal aliens."

THE XOXO FILES
As seen on Deddit and 4tinbras:
Conspiracy theorist Ludwig Da Vinci has a very special message to his ardent followers:

CHEMTRAILS! The Fed has been stuffing them in your sky for YEARS! Chemtrails are hazardous to us natives, deadly brainwashing crap that's been treated with nuclear reaction. You know where the ashes of the first imPorts go? Do you know what the government has done to the bodies? CHEMTRAILS. Just like with Tony Stark's manhandling of our DNA, the government wants us to be experiments in a petri dish. We're being tested on! Washington is not on your side, citizens.

Watch for the technological blackouts to come. First sign of the new, imPorted apocalypse.

And keep your eyes on the skies.
xoxo

A NIGHT TO REMEOWMBER
As seen on the tabloid circuit, TMI, and WHEE! News:
Director Ben Trooper, acclaimed director of Less Miserable and The Monarch's Monologue is hosting a red carpet gala for his new film Felines! Felines is the tale of...well, felines, as they all show off their talents to see who ascends to cat heaven, aka the Upperside Balcony. The show's best known for being highly choreographed, not having much plot, and the character of Haggarina, the Hollywood Cat, who sings the hit song "Remembering." Because Felines features imPort Mint Aizawa, Trooper's decided to host the film's December 2nd premiere in Heropa, opening it up for all imPorts to attend. Wear nice dresses! Mingle with celebrities! Sit through a two and a half hour long movie musical about singing and dancing cats! What's not to love?

There's also a trailer for the film that doesn't really tell you anything about the plot. But cartwheels! Dancing! People in lots of make-up! See if you can spot Mint in the coveted role of "that all-white cat who's in the chorus but gets a ballet solo."

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from VIOLET DRIZZLE to FADED CHEETO ORANGE because this country is now one chump short.

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